How to Handle Your Ex-Husband Having a Baby with the Girl He Got Pregnant While You Were Still Married: A Survival Guide

There comes a day in every woman’s life, when she wakes up and says to herself “today is the day my ex-husband’s new girlfriend is giving birth to the baby he impregnated her with while we were separated.” In fact studies show that women are more likely to get killed by a terrorist than NOT experience this exact situation before the age of 40. Have I blown your mind with this disturbingly specific statistic? Yeah, I thought so.

On said inevitable day, these women will become flustered by mixed feelings of jealousy, resentment, and inexplicable craving for Texas toast garlic bread, and will brutally penetrate the depths of their souls with record-breaking levels of masochism so frightening Kurt Cobain will begin to look like a totally balanced human being. They will find a way, while family members are distracted by conversations of GOP candidates and the real purpose of Craigslist’s Missed Connections, to retreat to a private place in the house, alone, with the stealth of a cat and the self- mutilation of a child actor, and seek information from the Oriole of Petty Truth (OPT) known as Facebook.

For those unfamiliar, the OPT is an effective tool that can assist people of all ages in finding socially relevant information about their friends and family, (birthdays, relationship status, sexuality confirmations of the suspiciously flamboyant, etc.). But, it also doubles as a source for the unhealthy – the sick  – the self-loathing, sad, sorry, sons-o-bitches that need Facebook profile proof of the painful suspicians they carry, to find information they really shouldn’t have access to in the first place.

Needless to say, the OPT is the only option to confirm the suspected birth of the ex’s love child. Upon confirmation, these women will experience an outbreak of tears, stress-induced gas, and an emotional collapse bound to involve shaved heads and lipstick tattoos. Think this is too specific to not be based on my own sorry existence? Ha! Fooled you again, silly readers. Why, I never have and never will discuss my personal problems and impending emotional downfall on this joyous and uplifting blog…

"I'm going to use my good-girl image to destroy your career..."

Eh, hem. Anyway.

Since I take the Taylor Swift approach to relationships (ie. throw myself into them whole-heartedly and once they are over bash my ex through some subtle, but so totally cute, self-expression) I really don’t care that blogging about this is sort of over the top in the TMI department. Also, I asked my mom if she thought it was ok and she responded with a silent fist bump. So, I had my answer.

So last night, after skillfully maneuvering my way through Facebook and finding proof of my excellent birth prediction skills, I nestled into my seldom-washed bedding, and stared at the plastic-glo star stickers pasted to the ceiling of my bedroom by the previous owner’s children and cried like a bitch. Through a fetal-positioned, tearful rendition of “Total Eclipse of the Heart” I thought about the progress of my life thus far and the unfortunate disaster of marrying someone with addiction issues and highly active sperm. I thought to myself, there must be other people who have experienced something similar to my unwanted, but totally necessary separation, followed by a brief discussion of reconciliation, that was shot down by the unexpected pregnancy of the woman the ex started dating five months into the separation. There has to be someone else out there experiencing a similar need to dry-heave an abundance of confused emotion and Texas toast all over herself in hopes of making herself feel better. It for the presumed existence of those people, that I write this post.

There is nothing worse than feeling like you’ve been screwed over by someone you loved, only to have them have a seemingly happier life than you. But since it is the unfortunate reality of my life and every ousted Rock of Love contestant, I have devised a way to deal with this type of wretched occurrence. Here is my four-step system to dealing with your sadness and avoiding the nearest bridge.

  1. Let yourself feel hurt – You can’t pretend to be emotionally bionic just because you’re tired of having puffy eyes and no dignity. You have to let yourself feel whatever you are feeling if you are going to get past it. I’ve learned that most things get a little better after a good night’s sleep and a few hours allotted for sadness. Once you wake up and the hours have passed, it’s time to get over it.
  2. Remind yourself of why this is a good thing for you – While he may be naming his new baby the same name you discussed naming the one you’d have together, you are free to pursue new life experiences and new relationships, baby-free. You are not with a person who doesn’t respect you, you are not with a person who doesn’t value you, and most importantly you are not with a person just because pulling out is an unreliable method of birth control and everyone knows it but you. You have a lot going for you, despite your emotional baggage and unfortunate amount of stretch marks.
  3. Accept that everything happens the way it is meant to – If you two hadn’t met, married, and separated, he would have never met the woman he got pregnant. Whether you believe in fate, God, or just really unfair coincidences, it is clear that things happen as they are meant to. You can’t f*** around with the universe, you can only hope it doesn’t f*** around with you.

    not him...

  4. If all else fails, have cyber-sex with a hot foreigner. It’s anonymously slutty and doesn’t require a condom.  Can you say score?

All cleverness aside, the situation for myself and all the fictional women I referred to, sucks. Whether or not you take these steps, won’t change the temporary shittyness you feel. All you can do is suck it up, let it go, and remember pregnancy causes stretch marks too.

Love,

The girl who shuns Mark Zuckerberg for his dangerous creation, despite her intense crush on Jesse Eisenburg in the film, (startling wit meets asshole tendencies? Swooooooon)

About thegirlwiththeblog

At any given time I can be found moisturizing my elbows and searching for words that rhyme with orange.

Posted on December 19, 2011, in distorted views on love, life lessons I never wanted to learn and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 19 Comments.

  1. It could be worse: you could be stuck with his baby. He’s also probably not as happy as Mark Zuckerberg makes him out to be.

  2. wow.. i thought i was the only woman in the world who was married to a man who got the girl he was cheating on me with pregnant!
    I was devastated! Looking back? Best thing that ever happened to me.

  3. If it’s any consolation, you’re fucking hilarious.

  4. hide my name please

    different variation of the story, same complicated emotions: dated guy for 3 and a half year, broke up, he started seeing someone within two weeks, ex-sex occured, knocked me up, kicked me to the curb, married other girl, knocked her up, baby due in 6 weeks. PS. At least I don’t have stretch marks…..

  5. please don’t post previous comment with my real name, that was an ERROR! doh!

  6. Pretty nice post. I just stumbled upon your weblog and wished to say that I have truly enjoyed browsing
    your blog posts. After all I will be subscribing to your feed and I hope you write again soon!

  7. I really want to like this post on Facebook so I can cryptically show people exactly what I’m going through without outright telling them. Unfortunately, I’m too much of a scared young cat. I hope you are doing better now, grateful you’re no longer with this guy, and hope I get through the birth in June without crying too much… Sucks even more that we share an almost 4 year old son and I’m tied to the new family FOREVER! Yay!

    • OMG, we could be twins. Mine “realized” he never really loved me when our daughter was 1, after we’d been married 4 years and together 6.

      That’s a long time of fake love!

      And now the woman he left me for is expecting early July. Not that he’s told me; she passively aggressively tagged him in a belly photo on Facebook and claimed “oh, I guess I forgot we haven’t publicly announced I’m 6 months pregnant!”- which he quickly removed.

      I DO NOT EVEN USE FACEBOOK. but my friends do. *le sigh*

      Anyway. Found this post because I’m trying to find ways to help my daughter deal with having a half-sibling from a woman she met once at age 2 on the sly when he ha our daughter because I was at a conference out of town.

      He lied when I asked if they’d met her for lunch. The toddler ratted him out.

      Love my girl!

      But yeah. This sucks.

      But I’m not telling her because he hasn’t told ME. And hoping someone else will do it because of Facebook doesn’t count.

      If I had known all this was going to happen…well, I wouldn’t have an awesome kid, but I also probably wouldn’t have exacerbated my anxiety disorder a million times over, either. :-/

      Good luck, sister. I’ll be praying for you!

  8. Umm, I didn’t mean “scared YOUNG cat”, lol. Auto correct on my tablet likes to insert words!

  9. Baby due any week now

    Wow. I’ve been searching for something i could relate to and this is the closest yet. Married 2009, did a house up to sell in 2011, sold it Sept ’11, bought little dream home Nov ’11, and Dec 11 he left me. Bring on crap Xmas, started using OPT to see what else… And see the girl. He moves into the new house in Jan ’12 WITH her. Tries to get
    divorce mid yr, due to being engaged… Find out Jan ’13 they are two months off baby arrival. Excellent! All of the terrorists and watching OPT could not tell u the day to day pain I’m hiding. Divorce papers now happening. Think bubba will arrive while we are still married. Stupid boy and even stupider girl. Thanks for reading and showing me some humour! I certainly am staying busy.
    Ps – they had to wait til12 months separation to get divorce, so just cos ur pregnant doesn’t mean she could lock him in. Did I say they are stupid? :)

  10. I love this! Thank you for making me laugh through the sick feeling Ive had since discovering via OPT stalking that my ex is having a baby with the trashy chick he cheated with. He messed up our kids, so why not have another go! Im reading your hilarious take on it all as i sit entrenched in self-pity eating cake and contemplating match.com to find someone to rescue me from my lonely petty little world. And feeling like the worst person ever as I think about the matching giant noses on them both and that the poor kid doesn’t stand a chance.
    Im not the only one in the world who ever dealt with this. Thanks for helping me put it all into perspective.

    • Hi Carol! Admittedly your situation sounds A LOT harder than mine, but I’m so glad I was able to help you out a little bit! No one understands quite how difficult it is to deal with something like this, or at least that is how it often feels. But one thing that is a little bit sad, is that of all of the 100 or so blogs I have posted, this is the one most often searched for and that I get the most personal emails about. Kind of depresses me. Anyway, I’m so glad to know I was able to help you feel even momentarily better. I’m sure you will find someone much better, maybe even on match.com (but probably not lol).

      Also, your ex sounds like a real wanker. I’m not British but I’ve always wanted to use that term :)

      Best of luck!

  11. Omg I’m so sad I have a 5 year old and 7 year old and my partner of 20 years has an affair with his secretary and he left 12months ago I just find our she is 8 months pregnant. Seriously who does that shit and gets his secretary 10 years his jnr preggs when he already has 2 kids he only sees every second weekend! Yep I’ve cried and cried and cried some more waiting for the day it get easier x

  12. Well! Im just finding myself in similar (ish) situation. I have been married 5 years but together for 14 years. I met my husband when i was 14 years old! We have 2 young children.
    Recently my husband had been very distant and very secretive on his phone ans constantly texting. I have questioned it a few times to get the usual response of ‘its work’ or his mate about football etc etc! After him totally changing into a different person to me as he said he was having problems with depression and felt like he was having a 30 year old mid life crisis!!! He said he didnt know how he felt about people anymore and didnt have much care or feelings for others at the moment. He had been going out with friends more than normal lately and staying out which is not like him.
    A few weeks ago i found out i was unexpectedly pregnant and my husband said he hadnt wanted more children and said this was the wrong time to be having another. He asked me to terminate and it went against everything i believe in and hated the whole situation. The day of the termination he fucked off to work and let me go alone and never gave any support to me or our 2 children. He also went out that night to a friends house and left me to cook and shower our children alone!! The next day he was due to work the weekend and having needing to work late they stayed in a b&b as they also had to work the sunday. But i know they also went out for drinks on the saturday night with work colleagues! The next few days were awkward and after me seeing a text from a girl at work i questioned this again and he had a huge rant and told me he had thought of leaving me and needed space to figuee out his thoughts! I was in total shick and devestated. Long story short he hung around with none of us really knowing what was happening and last week i noticed loads of calls and texts to same number on his bill and i instantly knew it was the girl from work. I asked him and pushed it too and finally he caved… he had slept with this girl on that night out. Apparantly it was only 1 drunken mistake and he never meant for it to happen. Now this girls says she thinks she is pregnant!! It just gets worse and worse. My husband is not staying at home but comes daily to see our children. I just dont know how i will cope with it if this girl has my husbands child! She conceived 1 day after my unwanted abortion and now she may have the choice to have his baby!!!! Its so unfair!

  13. Thanks for this. Being able to laugh while simultaneously feeling like shit…is a good thing. It’s nice to know that there are other witty, funny, awesome women who have gone through what I’m experiencing. I’ve been wallowing in self pity over the thought that I will live the rest if my life connected to the home wrecking whore who stole my man through our children.
    Your post made me feel better.

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