Yahoo is a website known for its hard-hitting journalism. Why, just this morning I learned that askmen.com named Jennifer Aniston the “Hottest Woman of All Time,” and that Kris Humphries squirmed in some inconsequential interview during his reality divorce media tour, which is sure to come to a close as soon as people decide they don’t care about any “marriage” between two strangers’ that was shorter than my last menstrual cycle. Nevertheless, while browsing the momentous headlines Yahoo promotes with gripping, front-page appearances, (implying to those less observant that these stories are actually relevant to our sheep-like existence) I came across a rare and delightful story about classy, put-together, screen legend-to-be, Lindsay Lohan.
I was instantly mesmerized by the enticing, yet informative headline:
With a dead-behind-the-eyes need for conformity, I clicked on this link and read with peeked interest, as my buttocks slowly began to slip from the edge of my seat.
“The talented but troubled Lindsay Lohan will appear in the altogether in an upcoming issue of Playboy. Earlier this week, the cover of the magazine was leaked. The photo showed Lohan in a provocative pose, with certain areas obscured by the magazine’s bunny logo…”
O.M.G. this IS interesting! But with a lack of commitment necessary to read a full news story, I channeled the rest of the population with a fruit-fly attention span and quickly darted my eyes to the lower half of the article (dirty!).
“It’s a very male-dominated world,” Lohan said. “So knowing yourself and being comfortable with your body is an important thing for me as a woman. Everyone entitled to their opinion, but that’s mine.”
This quote, promptly stirred me from my pop culture stupor. Yes, Lindsay. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion…unless it’s stupid. I know calling myself a feminist isn’t exactly a popular label these days, but like, I can’t afford Gucci, so ima stick wit it.
This quote makes me die inside. Now I know Lindsay’s opinions pretty much mean nothing to anyone now that she’s cemented her trashiness in print after years of just promoting it in action. I know there are no stable little girls/ignorant teens that look up to her anymore, so I don’t have to worry about the direct consequences of her statements. But I am still going to deconstruct them, if for no other reason than the fact that I think it’s fun to make fun of drug-riddled hussies.
This phony female empowerment argument has been made since the beginning of time (or since the early 1980s, no big diff) to counteract any backlash toward unadulterated sluttiness. While I do believe, strongly, that female sexuality does need a revolution of sorts, I hardly believe the avenue for that is a men’s pornography magazine.
There is a certain irony in pretending that finding comfort with your body on the pages of Playboy is counteractive to the “male-dominated world” we live in. I’m pretty sure that by using a male-dominated (in terms of creation and purchasing power) publication to advocate your lack of body issues, you are directly feeding into that male-dominated world. Stripping down, undergoing several hours of makeup and hair styling, posing in sexually submissive positions, and having your body airbrushed to the supposed male expectations of perfection, won’t exactly incite another fist pump from Rosie the Riveter.
Playboy exists solely for the sexual gratification of males, with the force-fed insecurity of females an unfortunate consequence. Playboy does not promote female sexuality, but rather the sexuality that men supposedly want from females. To be honest, I don’t really care if Playboy exists. I just care that women feed into it under the ignorant notion that it has anything to do with female empowerment. I know somebody has to spread their legs in the crease of a centerfold if we don’t want the world as we know it to spontaneously combust, but c’mon, Lindsay. Really? REALLY?
This whole, “let’s take our tops off and make out on top of the bar so guys can high-five each other while they watch” female culture we live in is getting old. Why does this type of so-called female sexuality only come about in response to the male desire for it? It is so painfully pathetic to grow up in a world where girls post Facebook kissy-face pictures of themselves in underwear to see how many guys reply with a “wow ur so butiful,” without ever looking at her face.
Men hardly even try to be appealing to women, proven solely by the startling number of prospective male companions who have openly farted in front of me before laughing about it. Why do females get so caught up in it? As much as Marilyn Monroe fascinates me, she isn’t exactly a beacon of true female sexuality, since her whole game was to play into the shameless, innocence of it. If women have to emulate a sex symbol, I wish instead that it was someone like Mae West who was powerful, unapologetic, and totally in it because she wanted to be, and she believed in the importance of her own needs, not just that of her partner. That is female empowerment, Linds.
I’m not saying Lindsay Lohan ever claimed to be a feminist, but by acknowledging the male domination in our world, she is indicating her understanding of the worldwide need for female empowerment. Had she just smacked her gums and blown a bubble giggling something like, “I just forgot to wear underwear that day, haha” I’d find her trivial and embarrassing to womankind, but I wouldn’t write a blog about it.
Ok, rant done. Enjoy the rest of your day and for God’s sake keep your clothes on, shawties.
The girl who is proud to be a modern-day, bra-wearing feminist
PS: In less headline-worthy news, three women were also honored with the Nobel Peace Prize today, go figure.