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Pregnancy and Media Whores: A lesson in Abstinence Training

Sometimes I’m sad. I’m at that delicate age where my peers spend their Friday nights either snorting coke off of strangers’ genitalia in club bathrooms or reading Dr. Suess to their children before tweeting about how great their lives are. Yes, it really IS that polarizing (no, it’s not)!  Needless to say I fall somewhere in between. I spend my Fridays watching Netflix and crying.

before me? REALLY????

So sometimes when I’m sad, I think about all of the women who came before me, snorting coke and delivering babies, sometimes at the same time. There have been relatives, friends, and of course celebrities, who have all incited jealousy within me for one reason or another. But what never fails to halt my desire for children is the constant presence of celebrity pregnancy headlines that feature on the front of Yahoo! News in front of the election results, above Afghanistan death tolls.

So I decided that tonight, on my 6th day of consistent blogging, I would focus on a topic near and dear to the hearts of every human on the planet: Pregnant American Media Whores. Those people who use pregnancy, ie. Human life, to increase their chances of trending on Twitter. Those people whose very existence is the greatest possible promotion of Abstinence.

These people who make me want to abort myself.

The Pregnant Man

I hate the pregnant man. Almost as much as I hate those “My Daddy Works Here” construction signs telling drivers to slow down. It doesn’t make me want to slow down. It makes me want to kill your daddy and teach you how to spell. Starting over.

I hate the pregnant man.

With a blind rage.

I know it’s silly to waste my emotional energy on something so frivolous to my actual life. I can’t help it. Every time Yahoo posts another irrelevant headline about him I want to do a Rosie the Riveter fist pump. It’s not that I have a problem with transgender people. I absolutely do not. I’m all for the dismantling and installing of sexual organs! I see no problem with it and frankly don’t understand why it is even a social issue.

That being said…

I hate the pregnant man.

Here is why. He was NOT a man! I realize that in a social, emotional, self-actualized way he was, all of which I’m cool with. But let’s not pretend this was some medical discovery allowing men to carry babies. He was an anatomical woman at the time that he gave birth to his three children. This is not an example of “I think therefore I am” but rather “I have a vagina therefore I menstruate.” So unless he has a womb in his testicles and gave birth through his urethra, he was NOT a pregnant man.

This entire situation really bothers me for two reasons.

  1. Giving birth is a strictly female privilege/curse, though my frequent nightmares of doing such a thing lead me to the latter. So somehow calling him a “pregnant man” just bothers me from a female perspective. Should we call him the “menstruating man” and give him headlines for that? No. But that is just as female and would be just as much of a phenomenon had he male genitalia. His biological gender deserves a little more credit than the media allows.
  2. He’s a media whore.

Kris Jenner

Kris Jenner is a completely wretched human being. I realize that blogging about her only contributes to her wretchedness as it increases her wingspan of media whoredom, but when talking about media whores and pregnancy, it is impossible to ignore this person.

Not only has she managed to mold her various spawn into worthless pallets for manufactured personalities, but she also thinks of herself as a celebrity too. Aside from the fact that instead of taking the route of shame when her daughter Kim Kardashian’s sex tape was released, she got her family a reality show, she completely abuses the parental role she plays in all of her children’s lives, pimping them out like the cheap hookers they look like on most red carpets, for her own gain.

Though I can’t quite explain why the Kardashians are famous, I am 100% sure it has nothing to do with 56 year old Kris and her botoxed neck. Which is why I find it especially disturbing that for her son Robert’s most recent birthday she blogged (what the f*** happened to Hallmark?) this picture:

“Happy 25th birthday to my wonderful, handsome son, Rob!! Rob, you are the best son a mother could ask for and you make me proud every day. I love you so much!!”

Did I already use the word wretched?

Oh yeah, twice.

Octomom

There’s not much left to say about Octomom. She treats her vagina like the Lincoln Tunnel and uses the lives of 14 innocent children to keep herself relevant on TMZ. With all of the recent stir about her $500 haircut and the hairdresser’s decision to contact authorities about the welfare of big O’s children, it’s safe to say that if nothing else, Nadya Suleman got what she wanted. Not many ladies still get attention for giving birth three years after doing so and although I’m sure the concern of losing her kids has crossed her mind, she knows she can always have another litter.

Frankly, I don’t know why anyone is worried about her living conditions. Sure a tiny rental in Los Angeles is a bit tight for 14 kids, their mother, and all of the voices in her head, but I’m sure it’s more comfortable than her uterus.

I feel sufficiently better about life knowing that whenever I get pregnant, I will not us my pregnancy as a media welcome mat. But what other despicable beings have I left out? I need to know so the next time a friend announces she is pregnant or I consider kidnapping a neighbor, I can simply Google and blog.

Thanks.

Love,

The girl who longs to trace Octomom’s stretch marks with a marker…..Just kidding!!!! I didn’t say that…..

Sigh.

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